


Crying over Spilled Poetry

by Locks_and_keys



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27708596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Locks_and_keys/pseuds/Locks_and_keys
Summary: Kara might have noticed earlier once they went their separate ways after their shared class that Lena’s poetry journal had dropped out of her backpack. But not just any journal, her super mysterious, ultra top secret, “no one else but me reads it, Kara”, poetry journal that she's always writing in. And Kara would like to consider herself a good friend, so she had picked it up, having every intention of giving it back completely unread. But when she drops it and sees her name in one of the titles... can you really blame her for reading one page?
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 11
Kudos: 260





	1. Chapter 1

Kara is having a great night. Or, she  _ was _ having a great night, before Lena Luthor came over for a study session. Which is normally fine! Perfectly ok with Kara, since Lena is one of the coolest girls she’s ever met. And the smartest girl she’s ever met. And the nicest girl she’s ever met. Maybe even the prettiest too, Kara would wager, since she can’t manage to form a coherent thought whenever she’s in the room and all she’s wanted to do since she first laid eyes on her was kiss her face off. And yeah, maybe Kara has been in love with her since freshman year. Whatever.

So when Lena had stopped by her dorm and surprised her tonight, falling into her arms and complaining in that slightly accented drawl of hers about needing to study for the millionth biology test that week, Kara had been more than happy to open her door and let her in to study for it. 

Then it all kind of went to hell. 

And It’s... kind of all Kara’s fault.

Because Kara might have noticed earlier once they went their separate ways after their shared class that Lena’s poetry journal had dropped out of her backpack. Her super mysterious, ultra top secret, “no one else but me reads it, Kara”, poetry journal. And Kara would like to consider herself a good friend, so she had picked it up, but when she had turned around to give it back, Lena had already gone off to whatever genius honors college level class she goes to after the one she shares with Kara. 

And Kara had planned on texting her about it, but she didn’t want to make Lena’s phone go off in class or anything, and then Kara had gone to basketball practice later and turned off  _ her  _ phone to get her head in the game. Because you know, if she plays bad, she loses her scholarship. No scholarship means she can’t go to National City University next year, and that would just be awful. It would mean not being with Lena or James, or Winn, or even Nia and Brainy. So she hadn’t really gotten a chance to text her about it, and she honestly kind of forgot about it until she got back to her dorm room later that evening.

And she  _ really _ wasn’t going to read it. But then she set it on her bedside table, and it accidentally fell off and landed open on the floor when she had reached for her instant ramen, and Kara had seen  _ her name _ as one of the titles. So then she read the title, you know, like anyone would...and then the next line, and, well, she’s only just one person.

But the thing is, she left it open on her bedside table, and then left Lena alone in her dorm room while she went to go grab a snack. So now when she comes back inside with her arms full of chips from the vending machine down the hall, she’s greeted by her best friend slash major crush Lena Luthor staring right at it. 

Lena turns to her, eyes glazed over, her face blank and unreadable. Kara’s about to ask her what’s wrong, dropping all the chips directly onto the floor and taking a protective step forward, but when she sees her notebook open on the table and scans the first line, she becomes embarrassed beyond an inch of her life. 

“ _ Oh God. _ ” Kara breathes as she sees the page open on the table. “Did you read it? Please tell me you didn’t read that. You read it, didn’t you?” Kara whispers rapidly, feeling mortified. Lena just watches her, blinking, face blotchy and fixing her with a green eyed stare of intensity. Without another word, she picks up the notebook and walks over to Kara, taking torturously slow steps, holding it out in front of her once she reaches her. 

“Read it. Out loud.” She says. Her voice is cold and hard like cut steel. It’s not formed as a request. Kara searches her eyes, looking for any kind of emotion, negative or positive, but she can’t find anything. Taking the notebook with shaking hands, Kara looks down at the words.

“I mean, I-I don’t think- I’m not sure...that's a very good idea-” She tries to object, but she’s cut short with a calculated eyebrow raise from Lena, the same one she uses to silence rooms of sexist STEM guys during group projects. Kara swallows nervously, thoroughly not enjoying being at being on it’s receiving end. Her face burns as she tries to form words. 

“W-warm light shining through the curtains, the color of a campfire...” She reads the first line, glancing up at Lena right after she finishes, hoping that’s all she has to read. Lena’s jaw flexes dangerously, and Kara knows she’s having no such luck today. 

“Continue.” She says quietly, in a clipped voice that makes Kara wish the floor would just open up and swallow her. She clears her throat awkwardly before continuing on.

“A shining, warm beacon of an upstairs apartment, on an otherwise dark street. I stand outside on the doorstep of the lower level, clutching a container of cookies with frozen hands and… Lena is this really necessary? You know what it says.” She whines, throwing her hands to her side, thoroughly humiliated at this point. 

“Yes Kara!” She snaps, finally looking angry, her cold exterior cracking as her own blush rushes across her face. “Of course I know what it says, I wrote it! And you’ve obviously read it, so read it again!” She hisses through her teeth. Lena looks so angry with her, and Kara’s almost afraid to keep reading in case it gets worse. 

“I’m sorry I took your poetry journal! I swear I wasn’t going to read it, I was going to give it back to you as soon as I saw you in French class tomorrow, but I dropped it and it fell open and-”

“ _ Kara _ ,” Lena breathes out, slamming her eyes shut as her face crumples, “just finish reading it.” She begs. Kara swallows thickly, tears burning her eyes now as guilt rides through her in waves. Clearing her throat again for the millionth time, she tries her best to do as Lena asks, because Lena looks so small, so vulnerable, and it’s all Kara’s fault. 

“I stand outside on the doorstep of the lower level, clutching a container of cookies with frozen hands and working up the nerve to knock. Hidden amongst the deep blue blanket of the night, when the sun has just set behind the horizon but the sky is not yet dark, I feel safe. Lonely, but safe, in the blue hour. I knock, because while it’s all good and well to hide in the safety of the deep blue street, it’s cold out here. Even though you scare me, you are warm, and you are light, and maybe in your presence I don’t have to hide.” Kara pauses to look at Lena, because while she still looks undeniably pissed, she’s reached out and grabbed Kara’s side, bunching her fist up in the fabric. 

Kara’s about to ask her if she wants her to stop, but before she gets the words out Lena maneuvers herself around Kara’s arms and hugs her, tucking her face into the crook of her neck. Wrapping her arms around Kara’s waist tightly she sniffles against Kara’s shoulder. Lena doesn’t say anything, so Kara decides to keep going. 

“When you open the door to your home, the yellow light cuts into the dark hallway like a slice of butterscotch pie, illuminating the corridor’s carpet for a few seconds as I step into the doorway and venture into the kitchen. I am greeted by the soft glow of guide lights and candles, dim compared to your smile. Dim compared to your-” and Kara can’t bring herself to finish the sentence, but Lena does it for her, whispering it against her shirt from memory.

“Dim compared to your straw blonde hair.” She breathes, voice thick with annoyance. It’s probably punctuated with an eyeroll. 

“Why did you stop reading?” She asks dryly, the edge of her nose skating across Kara’s jawline as she shifts in her arms. 

“Because… I’m kind of hoping that girl with the blonde hair is me. I’m kind of hoping you wrote about me.” She admits. Lena rests her forehead against her shoulder again. 

“Keep reading.” She says simply, and Kara can’t exactly say no, even though her chest feels like it’s bursting. Even though Lena still looks like she’s about to kill her for reading her personal poetry and invading her privacy. 

“Your perfect hands reach for mine and I prepare to let go of the container of cookies I’m holding. It feels as if I’m praying, or holding out a sacrifice to burn on the altar of a goddess. Instead you set it aside and run your fingertips over my palms, playfully lacing your fingers through mine. As if I was the offering. Like my hands were more wanted than what they created. I forget I was ever cold.”

That’s the end of the poem, so Kara kind of just lets the notebook drop onto the floor, wrapping her arms firmly around Lena’s shoulders and holding her there. Lena adjusts so their foreheads rest together.

“Do you remember last game night at Alex’s apartment over the summer?” She asks, breath ghosting over Kara’s lips. Kara let’s her eyes flutter closed as she breathes Lena in, and she can feel the angry crease of her brow. She nods. 

“And what snack did I bring you?” Lena asks, reaching up to trail Kara’s jawline with her fingertips. Kara tries to keep her voice from breaking when she answers.

“You brought me cookies.” She whispers, blinking as tears fall down her face.

“Then there’s your answer, yeah?” Lena says calmly, voice finally turning to something soft as she reaches up with her other hand to cup both sides of Kara’s face and feels the tears there. Lena’s still  _ so mad at her _ and Kara  _ doesn’t know what any of this means _ and she knows what she wants it to mean but the room is starting to spin. 

“You wrote that about me?” Kara whispers, not daring to believe it. Because that would just be too good to be true, after falling for Lena so hard freshman year, or falling faster still when they were sophomores, or this year when she finally admitted it to herself. Lena scoffs, not dignifying the question with a response. Suddenly Kara can’t hold it in anymore.

“I’m sorry you’re mad at me, but I’m not sorry I read it!” Kara wails, breath coming out in panicked sobs as her hands start to shake. Lena actually laughs at that, finally taking pity on her and holding her tighter as she cries. It takes a few minutes for her to stop crying actually. Somehow in the midst of her blubbering and stumbling over a million breathless 'I'm sorrys' they’d migrated to sitting on the edge of Kara’s bed, where Lena holds her steady. Eventually her breathing evens out as Lena rubs her back and her hands stop shaking when she hears whispered assurances into her hair. Now Kara’s just tear stained and slobbery, looking an absolute mess, and Lena’s just laughing at her. 

“I’m  _ so  _ mad at you.” Lena giggles, handing her a tissue from the side table. Kara blows her nose into it comically. “But I’m also in love with you, so I’ll let it slide this time.” 

Hearing the words makes Kara whimper a bit and she takes a minute to bury her face in her hands.

“I didn’t get to tell you in the way I wanted, because you just had to go and  _ read all about it _ . Ugh, journalist majors.” She scoffs. Kara actually laughs at that, looking up just in time to see a sparkle of amusement in Lena's green eyes. It still feels like her chest is caving in, and she's so fragile and full of love, so it’s short lived. 

“Oh my god, I love you so much.” She mumbles. Her voice comes out hoarse and scratchy from crying so hard. Lena worries her bottom lip between her teeth as she tucks a loose strand of hair behind Kara's ear. 

“Yeah, I’ll bet you do.” Lena drawls with a smirk, before pulling Kara into a kiss that’s three years overdue. 


	2. Freshman Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so at first this was gonna be a one shot but then I got up in my feels about it...

Kara was just trying to have a normal breakfast after her morning practice. And she really had been, but then the most beautiful girl she has ever seen in her life walked in. Long dark hair cascading over pulled back shoulders, pale skin shining in the fluorescent lights of the café as they bounce off the warm wood countertops, perfect eyebrows over sea green eyes framed by black glasses that ruin Kara’s entire life. That kind of beautiful.

She tries not to stare too much, because Alex has always told her that’s rude, but she thinks Alex would understand this time, since an actual goddess just walked in and that doesn’t happen everyday.  
The girl walks up to the counter, heeled boots thudding softly on the floor, and flashes the online order code on her phone to the busy employee behind the counter, who nods once and goes in the back to get the food. The girl turns to lean against the countertop to wait, putting her hands into the pockets of her long black coat. It’s one of those slim ones that makes you look like a sexy business woman going off to a meeting somewhere. There’s an element of casualness though, since she looks like she’s wearing blue jeans underneath that end in tight cuffs by the tops of her sleek boots. Kara feels her cheeks heat up as the girl’s eyes sweep the café curiously as she waits, hastily turning her own gaze back to her plate and picking up her fork before green eyes could meet blue.

“Hey! I thought vampires couldn’t come out when the sun is up?” A voice heckles.

Kara, the beautiful girl, and some other customers turn to look at the source of the noise. Kara represses an eyeroll when she sees that it came from the table of basketball players that have been making noise for the past hour. Kara has been to this café everyday for almost a week, and these specific jackasses are here every morning, making noise, not bothering to push in their chairs or tip, always leaving their sugar packets and crumbs all over their table when they finish. Kara chances a glance at the girl, who now looks significantly less relaxed. Her sharp eyebrows draw a bit closer to each other and a small frown tugs at the corner of her mouth as she steadfastly ignores them. To Kara’s dismay and no one’s surprise, one of the guys stands up from the table and wanders a little closer.

“I heard a few rumors that you were starting here this semester, but I never thought you’d actually do it after the shit your brother pulled. How do you even show your face around here?” The guy jeers.

Kara vaguely recognizes him from the A team’s scrimmage with the B team. He’d fouled out before halftime and hadn’t made any shots.

“You may have a problem with me, but I have none with you. If you hate me, you do so alone.” The girl answers with a slight sneer.

It’s a remarkably elegant and impressive come back, in Kara’s opinion.

“It really doesn’t bother you that everyone here thinks you’re a massive bitch?” The guy asks in mock innocence. His friends chuckle at that back at their table, like he’s said something clever and cutting, which he _hasn’t_. The fork in Kara’s hand bends dangerously as she turns in her chair towards the scene, unable to ignore the situation. She’s about to get up and tell the guy off for being such an ass, but she’s just in time to watch as the girl stands impossibly taller, sleek raven hair swishing over her shoulder as she reaches for one of the bags of takeout that the busy employee put on the counter next to her before disappearing into the kitchen again. Looping her fingers around the plastic handles she lifts one off the counter, fishing her phone out of her pocket with the other hand as she does and shooting off a text that sets off a series of ringtones throughout the café.

Slowly, most of the patrons that had turned to discreetly watch the argument between the girl and the basketball players turn their attention to their phones. Kara glances down to her own when it vibrates on the table next to the bent fork and abandoned plate of sticky buns. An airdrop invite appears on her screen, and scandalized laughter rings out all around her that makes her glance away from the photo and back towards the girl before she gets a good look at it.

“Well,” the girl starts off in an icy tone, “now everyone here thinks I’m a massive bitch _and_ they have a screenshot of the unsolicited dick pic you sent me last week.”  
Kara claps a hand over her mouth in surprise as the guy flounders, face turning redder than the campus brick library as he tries to stare everyone down. Back at the table his friends howl with laughter and he seems frozen in place from humiliation. The girl doesn’t wait for anything else to happen before she turns hurriedly out of the place, barely stopping to let some other students pass by her at the door on their way in.

A pang of disappointment shoots through Kara as she watches the now clearly upset girl walk away down the sidewalk outside, not even knowing her name or if she’ll ever see her again. Kara turns back to the counter to shoot a scowl at the basketball player who’s now eyeing down his friends. A spark of hope kicks up in Kara’s chest when she sees that in her understandable haste to leave the situation, the girl had left one of the bags of takeout on the counter.

Before she can talk herself out of it she’s shoved everything into her backpack, put her phone in her pocket, and dashed up to the counter to grab it. There’s a brief moment where she comes to a stop right next to the disgraced basketball player and they lock eyes. He shuffles his feet a bit as Kara stares blankly at him, her plan to catch up to the girl on hold for a few precious seconds.

“What a bitch, right?” He asks awkwardly, eyes flicking in the direction the girl went. Kara barks out a laugh at the idea of this boy thinking she's on his side.

“Fuck you.” She blurts out, surprising herself, because she's not really someone who curses. He looks just as surprised as she is, looking as if he’s been slapped, and before he can form a response Kara looks back down at the bag in her hands, remembering what she got up to do. “Oh! I’m gonna run this to her real quick. Have a nice day!” She awkwardly waves nervously at him and his table of friends before dashing out of the café and down the sidewalk.

***

If this girl could walk any faster, Kara is sure she would travel through time. This girl walks at warp speed. Ramming speed. Super speed walking champion, this one. But Kara finally catches her at the crosswalk at the end of the block.

“Hey! You forgot this!” She shouts, holding the bag up and pointing at it repeatedly with her other hand like a hunter holding up a caught rabbit by the ears. The girl turns at the noise, and it’s like she’s in slow motion, blue eyes finally locking onto surprised green ones. In a few more steps Kara stands in front of her, feeling the cold late morning air outside freeze her teeth as she sucks in a nervous breath. The girl stares at her, looking her up and down with surprise.

“Thanks,” she says stiffly, reaching out and taking the bag from Kara. Kara beams at her, and she sheepishly smiles back, a blush dusting her cheekbones. “I really didn’t want to go back in again. Thought it was better to just leave it instead of making another appearance.” Kara nods in understanding rapidly.

“Oh, yeah, absolutely. I wouldn’t wanna see that guy again either.”

“Friends of yours?” She asks coldly, eyeing Kara’s blue jersey and almost flinching away from her, small smile immediately dropping. Kara rushes to correct her, reaching up to nervously fiddle with her glasses.

“What? Oh, god no! That guy back there? Max Lorde.” She explains, pointing her thumb behind her shoulder in the direction of the café. “He’s on the university’s B team. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him off the bench. He’s absolute trash.”

The girl softens a bit, but doesn’t smile. Kara’s own smile drops a bit at this, since she really wishes she could get this girl to smile like that again. “I’m on the A team. The only freshman.” She adds. There’s a beat of silence between them and she immediately feels stupid the moment she says it, because it sounds like she's bragging. Trying to cover it up, she holds her hand out for a shake. “I’m Kara.”   
The girl shifts both bags to one hand and grabs Kara’s with her free one, shaking it firmly once. Her hand is very soft, and a little cold in comparison to Kara’s. Kara doesn’t want to let go, like, ever.

“I’m Lena. Lena Luthor.” She answers. There’s an almost breathy quality to the way she says the words, like something soft is in the back of her mouth, curving around the syllables. “You were at freshman orientation last week. I figured you might be a freshman like me.” Kara blinks at her, their handshake stilling.

“You were there? I don’t think I saw you.” Kara says dumbly. It is a fairly stupid thing to say. There had been a lot of students there, the crowds had been huge and loud, but she’s very sure she would have remembered meeting someone like Lena, at least in passing. The girl’s eyes, _Lena’s eyes_ , flick up and down her body once before she raises one of her eyebrows, the small smile returning.

“Well, I saw you.” She smiles easily with the hint of a laugh. The back of Kara’s neck heats up and she feels the hair on her arms stand on end. With a jolt she realizes they’re still holding hands. She lets go with a jump, wiping her palms on her sweatpants hastily and hoping Lena hadn’t noticed how clamy her hands are.

There’s another beat of silence, the kind that follows after you’ve done a good deed for a stranger and there’s an unspoken social rule that you must now both go your separate ways because there really isn’t anything else to talk about, but the thought of it makes Kara want to run into the traffic headfirst and kiss the first license plate. She doesn’t know why, but the idea of walking away without at least the hope of seeing this girl again makes Kara almost physically ill. Positively sick with dread. It’s the strangest feeling, but it’s there, as if the intense combination of loneliness she’s experienced since she started university life without any friends and living away from the Danvers for the first time in years has manifested as a pitch black wall around her. Everything in her screams, _‘get this girl’s number or you’re going to drop dead’._

Kara can’t remember the last time she felt like this, especially with a stranger that she’s known for like five minutes tops, but she’s just gonna trust it. She’s gonna trust it with her whole body. Nothing’s ever felt this right.

“I don’t have many friends here yet. All my friends are back home, and my sister, she’s like the world to me, and she graduated last year.” She says softly. Lena’s eyes focus back on her’s, looking curious at the conversation shift as Kara spills her guts. “I didn’t see many people I knew at orientation because I don’t know any,” She admits, feeling a blush return to her face, “but maybe I could know you?” She asks hopefully. Lena gives her a sad kind of smile.

“I’m not very well liked, in case you hadn’t noticed, so I don’t think I can really help you there.” Kara rolls her eyes playfully, warmth flooding her chest. Kara gives her a determined look, trying to stand taller.

“I’ve known you for like five minutes tops, and I think you’re pretty alright. Be my friend anyway?” She asks hopefully, giving her a soft look as she holds out her phone. Lena looks down at the blank contact page, then back up at her, like she can’t believe Kara’s still here talking to her. Wordlessly she takes the phone and puts her number in.

“Well Kara, I guess you have one friend now. However bad your taste may be.” She says as she hands it back with her name and number. Kara feels her face split into an almost painful grin.

“I guess you do too, Lena.”


	3. Chapter 3

Kara loves New Years Eve. There’s something so fantastic about the energy in the room of a new year's eve party, it’s just not like any other holiday. There’s fireworks, you and twenty of your closest friends all stay up till a ridiculous hour but no one feels tired, and everyone's a little bit drunk on cheap champagne and all the limitless possibilities of a whole new year. When everyone starts counting down all at once in a messy chorus of drunken voices? Kara feels like flying every time.

So naturally, when the clock strikes twelve, there’s no one else Kara would rather be with sharing that experience with this year than Lena. They’ve been almost inseparable since Kara ran her takeout to her on the street freshman year. Now it’s almost the holiday break for sophomore year, and Lena’s family has made it clear that they don’t plan on celebrating anything anytime soon in the midst of her brother’s appeal in court.

Kara’s only caught a few details, between Lena ducking out of the room to answer harsh sounding phone calls from a number that isn’t even saved on her phone to her random unprompted rants about how ridiculous the whole thing is. One night when Lena had fallen asleep early on one of their many sleepovers, Kara had snuck a peek at one of the more tabloid-esk websites covering the case. Lex Luthor’s face had been plastered right next to the newest celebrity power couple’s divorce announcement. He’s pleading insanity.

Kara has no idea how they’re going to get around the insurmountable evidence of level headed premeditation that Lex put into planning and attempting a school shooting of the entire science wing of the university. Not to mention Lex had successfully handled the affairs of LuthorCorp for four years with no indication of mental instability. But like Lena always says, with Luthor money anything is possible. She’s sure they’ll come up with something.

Lena is going to need the support of their friends more than ever, and she shouldn’t have to go through the holidays at stuffy rich people galas planned by her mother to help the image of their family company. The thought of Lena having to go home to that instead of staying by her side to usher in the new year is definitely not something Kara is about to let happen.

“Me?” The girl in question asks from her perch on Kara’s dorm room floor.

“Yes you!” Kara laughs, throwing her pillow right at her best friend's face. “Well, you and twenty of our closest friends, that is, but mainly you.”

Lena easily blocks the pillow with one hand, holding onto her heavy looking biology textbook with the other as she lets it rest on her chest. Kara takes a minute to appreciate the way Lena’s hair fans out on the floor beneath her, contrasting with the dark blue carpet of the dorm like a river of ink. It’s beautiful and silky smooth, as always, and Kara’s chest pains with the longing to run her fingers through it. Her bottom lip is pulled pensively between her teeth as she works something out in her head, and Kara wonders what it’s like in Lena’s mind. It’s probably all neat and tidy with the files all closed and the desktops all clean. Kara’s mind is probably more like the mail room in the movie Elf.

So basically everything about Lena is achingly beautiful, as always. It’s been harder and harder to ignore, especially with how close they’ve become in the last year and a half. It doesn’t always hit her this hard, but she’s in her space, and she’s sharing it with Lena, and Lena’s wearing that nice sweater that matches her eyes because the dorms are always notoriously chilly. To top it all off, they ate those potstickers from Kara’s favorite restaurant in town. Everything is just a little perfect in a million little ways, and Kara’s only one person, so who could blame her for getting a crush? These kinds of things just happen sometimes. It’s not anyone’s fault, not her’s, not Lena’s, so she’s just rolling with it. Trusting it.

“Won’t it be a little crowded in your dorm room for me and twenty of our closest friends?” The girl in question asks, pulling Kara’s attention back to reality.

“Oh, well, we wouldn’t be here,” Kara explains, reaching up to adjust her glasses and finding nothing as she realizes she isn’t wearing them, “we would be at my sister’s apartment.” Lena sits upright at this like an animated zombie, black rimmed glasses sitting just slightly askew.

“I’m going to meet your sister?” She asks in a quiet, mildly terrified voice.

“Lena,” Kara hedges softly, recognizing the nervousness in her friend's voice immediately, “she’s going to love you. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Kara!” She moans petulantly, grabbing Kara’s pillow and laying back down on the floor, using it to cover her entire face like she can get out of the inevitable by suffocating herself. The rest of her sentence gets drowned out by the pillow.

“Lena, you can’t get out of this by hiding yourself with my pillow. Lena? Did you hear me?...Lena?... Lena!?”

***

It takes a whole week of reassurances, but Kara can proudly say that Lena is now on board with the whole thing. So now, naturally, they’re shopping for New Years outfits the day of, because god forbid Lena usher in the new year in practical clothes that she already owns.

“New Year, new outfit, Kara. Have I taught you nothing?” Lena calls over the top of the changing stall. Kara huffs, shifting the mountain of clothes piled high in her arms before handing another selection over the top towards her friend’s blindly reaching hand.

“You have plenty of dresses that you look absolutely amazing in, you’re just nervous about meeting my sister. Which, by the way, you shouldn’t be.” Kara answers back.

“Kara, she sent you an email attachment of my background check the first week we ever hung out.”  
Kara knows this is true, and she doesn’t really have a comeback for that, so she just throws another piece of clothing over the top of the changing stall.

“Hurry up or we’re going to be late.”

Lena opens the door to the stall and steps out, other choices piled up in her hands. “I’ve made my decision. I’m going with the silver and black one. What are you trying on?” She asks, looking Kara up and down and frowning at the lack of options she’s holding for herself. Kara bounces excitedly on the balls of her feet, because for once she’s ahead of Lena on this whole thing.

“I got my outfit last week.” She says smugly, leaving her friend in the dust as she goes to put the clothes into the return cart.

***

Lena very much approves of her outfit, if the dumbstruck look on her face is any indication as Kara emerges from her dorm to meet her in the hallway. Lena looks amazing in the dress she’d picked out at the store, a classy one with lots of chunky, rectangular rhinestones down and up it that form patterns of arches. Kara is also very appreciative of the way it’s neckline opens over her shoulders to show off her collar bones, and how the other side dips low to show her back.

“You look great!” She tells her. But Lena doesn't say anything back for a few seconds, mouth hanging open as she continues to look at Kara, and a feeling of pride wiggles around in Kara’s stomach at getting the desired reaction.

“Speak for yourself, _handsome!_ ” Lena gasps melodramatically, circling around her with a slow walk and running her fingers along the line of her shoulders as she does. And yeah, it makes Kara want to combust on the spot or melt onto the floor or just die right there under the bright eyes of Lena Luthor, but instead of doing all of x y and z in the god forsaken dorm hallway, she just fiddles with her glasses and mutters out a weak, _'thanks'_.

Extreme note to self, choosing a midnight blue suit for tonight and undoing the first few buttons of her dress shirt had been the exact right idea. Lena’s eyes keep darting over to her during the entire ride in the uber to Alex’s, and for the first few hours of the New Years party. Kara honestly isn’t sure what that means, because they are friends after all, but she likes the way it feels to be the one impressing Lena for a change.

Finally after Lena and Alex recover from meeting each other for the first time that Kara finally starts feeling that New Years Eve magic. Which takes hours, because Alex is being unbearably tense about meeting the girl Kara hasn’t shut up about all year and Lena takes it immediately as rejection. James shows up late with Winn in tow as most of Alex’s guests filter out to party hop to other parts of the city and it gets a bit cozier with their closer friends. Alex and Lena are about to start another absolutely unbearable round of awkward small talk, because god forbid they act like normal humans for Kara’s sake. Rescue comes in the form of one Nia Nal, who shows up with Brainy and immediately wedges herself into the conversation long enough to point out to both of them that they’re both women in STEM fields, and suddenly they get along like a house fire. Lena finally seems to relax into herself, and Alex almost floats off the floor when she starts to talk about her thesis.  
It’s even later in the night, right about when the countdown starts, that there's a pause in conversation and Lena tips her head back to laugh at something that Nia has said, and her eyes find her best friend’s. Blue meets green. Even though they’re standing next to each other, Kara feels a million miles away.

And, wow. That’s a feeling. That’s a _big_ feeling.  
It’s love love. It’s “I am stuck to you” love.

It’s the first few measures of the song _Wash._ by Bon Iver. It’s the way it feels to reach the top of the tallest sand dune back at Midvale. It’s the mundane energy of being sent to the grocery store last minute to get ice for a party, because someone forgot it. It’s completely fascinating and at the same time, so naturalistic that it almost feels like it has always been this way.  
Sometimes Kara loves the way it feels to be in love. Realizing she is in love with Lena is teaching her so much about herself, and she feels all of it all the time. She didn’t even know hearts could do this, let alone _her_ heart.

Falling for a friend is also not at all like she thought it would be. All of those sad songs and movies and poems about one sided feelings and not being able to tell the other person how you feel and that making you absolutely miserable? They all fucking lied, as far as Kara is concerned. It definitely has its moments, and maybe she’s just in some beginning stage where the monster of unrequited love’s teeth haven’t grown in yet, but it’s only painful in the way that a growing pain is. Seemingly unbearable, lonely, but bursting with the most righteous kind of change, like your body is meant to do this. Kara has never questioned the rightness of Lena, not since she first felt it on the corner of the street freshman year.

It’s almost as if her being in love with Lena isn’t Lena’s business at all, it’s just something amazing that Kara is getting to experience.

Kara figures if she could just talk to anyone who has fallen for a friend, they would understand what it feels like, validate her, and the whole thing would feel less crazy. She just wants to talk about it all the time! The experience of being in love with Lena! Because she hasn’t told Alex, or any of her friends. Obviously she can’t tell Lena either, but if she could, she would totally talk her ear off about it. Kara doesn’t even know how she would talk about it without shouting.

So with Lena here, face lit by fireworks as she takes a sip of sparkling cider from a glass that reflects the city lights beyond them like a chorus of fallen stars on a warm blanket, Kara thinks that she is literally going to explode. Kara hopes that everyone in her life gets to love a girl who turns them into a bomb.

“Hey, are you ok?” Lena suddenly asks, ducking into her vision and giving her a look of concern, holding back with her by the window as everyone migrates to the couch but them. Kara takes a moment to look around wistfully at all the other people in the room that she loves before she answers. Winn is leaning against the back of the couch drowsily, having missed the countdown fireworks, champagne flute dangling at a precarious angle in his hand and threatening to spill out onto the floor as he nods off. Nia and Brainy are both sitting criss-cross next to him, looking cute as they share a blanket and lean on each other. James is tossing popcorn up in the air and catching it in his mouth as Kelly cheers him on quietly at the far end. Alex pretends to disapprove of her girlfriend and her brother’s antics at first, standing with her arms crossed, but once Kelly starts throwing the pieces for him at greater distances she reluctantly joins in on the cheering. They all cheer especially loud when James catches a bad throw with a dive, which wakes Winn up with a start and makes him fling his drink all over himself.

“Lena, I am amazing.” Kara answers honestly. Lena smiles, nose scrunching up as she leans into Kara and snakes her arms around her waist.

“Happy New Year, Kara.”


	4. Summer between Sophomore and Junior year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there y'all...

It’s about near the end of summer between Sophomore and Junior year that Lex’s appeal is shut down in the courts. Lena, the most logical person in Kara’s life, who hates bugs and tolerates the great outdoors on a good day, decided the best logical decision to make in that moment was to have her own personal coming of age movie moment and speed off to the Luthor family’s cabin retreat. In her fucking beamer, in the middle of the night. Great.

One phone call later and Kara is made privy to this by Nia, playing the role of concerned roommate that she’s often taken since she and Lena moved into an apartment near National City University. At the end of that phone call Kara is sure of two things. One, the world does not deserve a Nia Nal. Two, Lena is out in the woods somewhere. This worries Kara a bit to say the least, since Lena had seemed fine when she had been staying with her and the Danvers clan the week prior.

Kara tries Lena’s phone, hoping to hell that wherever the Luthor retreat is, it at least has the modern comforts of cell service. She picks up on the first ring, like she’d been waiting for Kara’s call or something. A hopeful, lovesick part of Kara bangs pots and pans loudly in her head. It wants to believe that Lena was indeed doing just that. Another phone call later and Lena’s gone and invited Kara to her family’s cabin retreat, dropping a pin and telling her the gate code. It’s almost Midvale adjacent, as it turns out, and Kara almost laughs at life’s little coincidences. All those summers growing up, so close but so far. The last thing Kara is gonna say is “No, Lena, my beautiful best friend in the world that I am head over heels in love with, I will not spend a week alone in a cabin with you in the gorgeous Californian wilderness”.

She doesn’t say that at all. She just says yes. Whatever.

Lena’s plan is to hide out there, for a bit.

“Won’t your mother disapprove of you staying here?” Kara asks hesitantly. There’s an almost joyous laugh on the other end of the line that makes Kara’s stomach flip. It makes Kara think that whatever happens, Lena will be ok.

“Lex’s trial is making the rounds in every tabloid and news station. Lilian is thrilled that I’m staying out of the limelight, and she gets to make up a story about where I am that the press can do whatever with.”

“Really? I just don’t want things to be worse for you with her when we head back to school in a few weeks.” Kara says, picking up a pen to fiddle with as she sits in her and Alex’s childhood bedroom. Lena’s laugh washes over her again like a balm.

“You know, for once, I don’t think I care. I’m never going to be good enough for her. You know me, unruly ungrateful daughter.”

The wording of that statement immediately makes her feel cold again. Sometimes Lena will say things like that, take little digs at herself. Really ruffles Kara’s feathers.

Kara does not drive a beamer, so when she gets there she’s pretty sure she used up one of her rust bucket car’s nine lives to do it. She tells Lena this, who had been waiting for her on the porch in a very comfortable looking wool blanket. The runaway all but sprints to her to sweep her in a hug when she finally gets there, knocking the wind out of her lungs as soon as her shoes crunch the gravel in the driveway.

There’s barely a second to catch her breath before Lena nuzzles into her neck, cold nose brushing against the underneath of Kara’s jawline as her warm breath huffs a juxtaposition of temperatures against the column of her throat. The hair on the back of her arms decides to be an army of little blonde traitors and stand up as she shivers in response. She hopes Lena can’t feel how hard her heart is pounding through her shirt.

“The nine lives thing is cats, Kara. Not cars.” She explains patiently, lips close enough that they brush against skin. Heat goes to all sorts of not allowed places when Lena does that, so Kara cups the back of her neck with one hand presses her mouth against Lena’s temple, blowing a raspberry there in retaliation for getting dragged about mixing up her superstitions about cars and cats.  
Lena, predictably, flinches away with a laugh, lacing their fingers together and tugging her inside. The cabin stuns Kara into silence for a few minutes as she’s led through the living room into the kitchen by their joint hands. It’s beautiful, and there are definite signs of old money and luxury everywhere inside, but the outside is so... unassuming? Parts of the whole thing are so simplistic. A true retreat, not a vacation home like the other houses in Lena’s family.

It makes more sense when Lena casually mentions that the place had been Lex’s favorite place on earth. Apparently, ever since his imprisonment and recent failed appeal for the campus shooting, Lillian had wanted to sell it.

Lena has also taken to journaling about _poetry_ of all things in a top secret, super mysterious, “no one else but me reads it, Kara”, poetry journal. _Obsessively_ journaling. It’s a task she’s been given by her therapist, apparently. She must really have something she has to say, Kara supposes.

Soon it’s been three days straight of Kara cooking breakfast in her boxers with the early sunlight shining through the windows and Lena doing nothing to help except watching her and writing about… _something_ in that stupid journal.

It’s also on the third day that Kara realizes Lena knew she was going to end up there with her. The fridge is stocked very specifically. It's subtle, sneaky, Kara almost doesn’t notice it at first. There’s all the classic breakfast items that they both like that Lena must have grabbed in town for her first few nights. Stuff like eggs, orange juice, pancake mix, hash browns… but no bacon or sausage. No milk or cheese either, even though she _knows_ Lena eats it with her eggs. The whole fridge, it’s Kosher friendly. Lena knows Kara tries to be Kosher when she’s back home with the Danvers during the summer. There’s even ribs in the freezer, but no cuts of sirloin, which just about confirms it, since Kara weirdly knows that’s Lex’s favorite. 

You pick up on weird stuff when you fall in love with someone, like what cuts of steak their murderous brother likes to eat.

Then there’s… all the touching.

It’s not like they don’t show affection or anything. Kara is quite the hugger and once Lena realized Kara wasn’t going to disappear from her life overnight like everyone else she had started doing things like holding her hand and brushing Kara’s hair behind her ear after particularly intense basketball games knocked it loose. But lately Lena seems to be initiating much more than she ever has before. She’ll come up and hug Kara from behind when she’s flipping pancakes, lean against her legs as they sit on the couch, and their hands are basically glued together when they go for walk abouts outside or around the wrap around deck. One afternoon Lena gives her an honest to god _forehead kiss_ when she sets a mug of tea down in front of her.

There’s also the fact that the whole time, Lena looks like she wants to tell Kara something. Kara still has that whole pesky love confession to get around to too, so maybe she shouldn't be so quick to throw stones. It... definitely hurts more now. The little monster of love went and grew teeth, like they must all do. Each touch takes away as much as it gives, because there’s just no way of knowing what will happen once Kara tells her. But if Kara’s world has Lena in it, the fallout would never be that bad. Could never be that bad.

***

It’s when they finally break into the stores of the cellar and get wine drunk on the rug next to the fireplace that Kara tries to ask her about it for the first time. She takes another drink of wine straight from the bottle for courage, and scoots the chess board that they’d been playing to the side. It’s never much of a game when they play, since Kara always gets bored and ends up just playing it like checkers, going out with a blaze of glory, taking down every one of Lena’s pieces that she can out of spite.

Childhood chess prodigy Lena used to get mad at simple checkers loving Kara for it, but then Kara had started narrating in funny voices and giving the pieces emotional backstories. One time during midterms Kara’s pawn had managed to make it all the way to Lena’s side, and Lena had laughed so hard she cried when Kara called out “king me” and insisted she replace the pawn with another king piece from another set.

“You have something you want to tell me. I know you, Lena. There’s something.”

There’s a long pause, where Lena stares at her over the rim of her glass with a watery expression. She tugs her lip between her teeth, the red wine stain of them contrasting beautifully and inviting against the white of them. Kara wants to kiss her. Kara wants to kiss her more than anything. It’s a bone deep ache.

“Yeah, I do. There is something.” She finally admits, face softening like she’s letting too much go. “But I’m not ready to tell you yet.”

And Lena looks so scared, but also so sure of something. She runs her hand messily, drunkenly, through her hair, eyes moving around the room distractedly. That just doesn’t make any sense at all, in Kara’s opinion, because Lena fears nothing.

Kara wants to pout. To beg and plead and get the answer out of her like she always does. She finds herself in a sea of drunken thoughts. ‘ _Why won’t you tell me Lena? What is there that you can’t tell me? What is there that we don’t share?_ ’ with a couple of ‘ _Tell me, tell me, tell me_ ’s thrown in for good measure.

But she doesn’t say any of that, because the feeling is back. That deep, soul embedded, sixth sense she has about all things related to Lena and perfect timing and fate all entangled. Lena is tapped into that wonderful nonverbal communication they sometimes get when they’re all alone, and she’s asking Kara to tune in too, to catch some kind of clue somewhere that she’s left. Asking her to be patient with her eyes and her hands, asking her not to press it with a twitch of her eyebrow or the way she’s moving her head. If Kara presses it right now, something will break. And for the millionth time in her life, Kara’s going to trust it. It’s gotten her this far, hasn’t it?

They are both very much not sober, so there’s that too. Getting toasted and laying sprawled out on a luxurious cabin rug in the middle of nowhere with Lena before Junior year of college is enough of a scene as it is without adding an almost two years overdue love confession for her best friend into the mix. They just fall asleep on the floor, warm from the fire and blankets that Kara dragged down from the master bedroom. Lena tucks herself against Kara, using her shoulder as a pillow for a bit before turning to lay on her more directly, pressing her lips against Kara’s neck. Right before Kara falls asleep, she feels Lena tremble.

***

“Morning,” Lena greets, sounding very much hungover as she slumps down into the chair across from Kara. Kara gives her a small smile, trying not to laugh. Instead she pushes a red mug of fresh coffee in her friend’s direction, then two ibuprofen. Lena glares at her as she hugs the mug and takes the pills dry. Total badass move.  
“It’s not fair. How are you not hungover right now?” She whines. Kara shrugs.

“I’m a college athlete. Who goes to college athlete parties. High metabolism and tolerance, I guess.”

“Well, I hate you.” Lena mumbles sleepily, resting her chin on her hand and moving her chair away from the beam of sunlight coming through the window to hit her.

‘ _Well, I love you_ ’, Kara thinks back petulantly. And suddenly that’s all she can think.

Lena seems far away for a moment, looking at Kara thoughtfully, before she tugs her poetry journal towards her and starts scribbling lines in it furiously. Like she’s being telepathically beamed nuclear launch cancelation codes and if she doesn’t write them down the world will end. That’s how she’s been writing recently. Very urgent. Kara wonders what her poems could possibly be about.

“What are you writing about?” No harm in asking, right? Lena looks up at her with that same expression from last night, that weird mix of fear and hesitancy, before it shifts into fondness.

“Something important.” She just says, looking all around Kara’s face before writing down more lines. Vague enough to mean nothing, long enough to mean everything. The little voice in Kara’s head screams, I love you, then does a stupid little cartwheel into her stomach.

Kara will have to tell her eventually. Kara doesn’t lack self awareness, so she has to admit that it’s at that point. She has to tell her best friend that she is in love with her. And that’s… _fine_. Kara will... survive that. They’re friendship will, hopefully, survive it too. It’s what comes after the confession that has Kara a little worried, because the very next part would be, in simple terms, a bit of a mess.

Because a little part of Lena won’t believe that she’s worthy of that kind of love. A dark part of her, all boxed up and sedated in a file cabinet of her mind somewhere. It’ll growl and howl and scratch at the door until Lena feeds it.

Lena will probably insist that Kara doesn’t know what she is talking about, that there’s been some misunderstanding about who Kara thinks she is, because Lena has always been told that she is not enough, and that she is only meant for a role of perfection in life, and she’s spent years breaking free. So then, of course, Kara would have to tell her that no, she did not fall for some idealized version of Lena, one where she is perfect and never wrong about anything and always gentile. That’s a crush, not love. Kara is in love with her, it’s different. Kara would tell her that she is very aware of how human Lena is. That she has flaws, fears, and shortcomings, but they’re a part of everyone. Sure, Lena makes mistakes, but so does everyone else, last time Kara checked.

Kara loves the very human, very true version of Lena Kerian Luthor, and by god, she’s going to believe Kara Danvers when she finally gets brave and stupid enough to say it.  
There will be no getting out of it. Lena will have to be confronted with and accept the truth that she is and always has been a lovable creature.

Kara thinks that’s why she gets hit so hard with the urge to tell her in quiet moments like these. Like when they’re waking up together in a cabin and Lena is telling her she hates her over hangover cure coffee. Or the moments when the room goes quiet when they’re studying together, or when Lena laughs at something stupid she’s said. Kara remembers a time recently when she had almost blurted it all out when Lena had dropped by her dorm with Chinese takeout. Potstickers, the catalyst that almost undid her on a Tuesday.

It’s not about getting this big secret off her chest, or even wanting Lena to reciprocate the feelings and be in a relationship with her, it’s the pure unselfish want to explain to Lena that she is... lovely. So fucking lovely.

It’s about how much Kara wishes and wants Lena to see herself in a true light, free of built in criticism and all the negative thoughts she’s ever thought about herself. To be like, _“Don’t you get it? I love you! You are amazing, and I love you! So can you please realize how awesome you are? Can this please not change anything?”_

Then she’s jolted back to reality when Lena laughs and waves a hand in front of her face. Lena stares at her, eyebrow raised expectantly. She’s just said something, and Kara completely missed it, like a goof. Lena seems to realize she isn’t getting an answer to whatever the question was, so she smiles at her, shaking her head endearingly. Suddenly Lena’s writing in that poetry journal again, looking up at her every once in a while like someone drawing a still life, and Kara’s feeling very much like a bowl of fake fruit.

Kara is also now fighting the urge to burst into tears because of how much she loves Lena, whatever. Totally biting her tongue as “I love you” tries to jump off of it like a suicidal lemming, whatever.  
Lena looks back up at her again, pen stilling on the paper, whatever.

“Would you describe your hair as ‘straw blonde’?” She asks. Suddenly it’s not whatever. That’s just… _what?_

“What?” Kara spits out blankly after a few seconds of heavy silence. Lena doesn’t look up at her. “Are you… are you writing about me, Lena?” She asks, dumbstruck. Lena blushes just a bit in the low morning light of the cabin, and a bunch of dangerous, messy, lethal hope shoots through Kara’s chest. Humming thoughtfully and tapping the point of her pen on the paper, the other girl pauses as she seems to make a decision.

“Now seems like a good time to tell her…” She reasons out loud to herself, not Kara, before scribbling a few lines and finally looking up.

“Is that poem about me?” Kara asks again, brain stuck on it like a record skip and a freeze frame in a cheesy early 2000’s movie. A little monologue starts in her head. _‘That’s me, I’m Kara Danvers. You’re probably wondering how I got myself into this situation…’_

“Well, I don’t know Kara,” Lena asks in deadpan, derailing her mental movie script, “is your hair blonde?” She punctuates it by taking a loud sip of her coffee. Kara doesn’t know what to say at all, because the whole question feels loaded, and she doesn’t want to say the wrong thing.

So instead of taking all that on, she panics and shoves her entire strawberry poptart into her mouth at once while Lena stares at her from across the breakfast table. Lena lets out a sigh like someone’s just done something insufferable, and Kara's the only one here, so it must be her.

“You were literally _so close_ to getting th- no, you know what? Nevermind. I’ll let you figure it out another time.” She sighs, frustrated and almost hysterical laughter bursting out of her mouth as she gets up from the table and leaves a dumbstruck Kara at the table.

Little do they both know that Kara will figure it out as soon as Junior year starts, but that she accidentally becomes a poetry journal thief to do it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
